You used to talk to me all the time about making a choice. You forced choices in where I thought there didn't need to be. [And he was wrong.]
Is there really no one else? I told you what that life of yours was costing you, but you keep going back to it so there's got to be a reason. We're in Hell, surely there's somebody else here who likes your way of life. You don't have to keep pretending for fools like me or Francis or Janet anymore. Why aren't you free yet?
[He has a few answers to that. All of them sound bad, and he erases them. So it takes a while before he can finally settle on anything.]
i'm trying to be better. you know i am. but i keep slipping back and that's not my fault.
[Sigh.]
this wasnt a choice between me and nekane. it wouldnt be fair if it was. no one would expect you to side with a murderer. even though you keep doing that.
if i belonged in that way of life, this would have been easier. i'd just forcefeed you and cut up hawke's face pull out squalo's teeth bring it all back to the order with my tag wagging. i would have done all of that for just a chance in hell to get you out of here. but i'm not that much of a monster.
lucifer won't get you out. you know that, right? i bet he's already cooking up some other way to keep you here.
Do I know that? Do you realize that had I not shot you, my list would be clear completely right now? I am redeemed. I am leaving. There is nothing else left. I even have a note from Lucifer himself saying I can bring people home with me. Two. I might have offered it to you if I could trust you. You did all that on a whim and you know something? I wouldn't have gone to the cult even if that weren't true. Because of what cults did to Nekane. Because of what one did to you.
I wish you had hurt me. I can't even think about what you actually tried to do to me after what you did to them. The very thing that happened to you and to me and to them, the very thing I told you I would do anything to keep from happening again That was the first thing you really ever knew about me when I pulled you from that bar, do you remember that? You can't even say it was for the cult, I know it wasn't, that was all your twisted impulse and the only reason they were in danger from you at all was because of me. And then everyone else... You should've hurt me. I might have forgiven you.
I'm going to give you some advice. Are you still reading?
don't give me that shit, hector. give it a week, you'll be right back here. or you'll end up in some new place, and you still won't see your family. there's no reason for lucifer to make good on his promise. it wasn't a whim. it was a stupid fucking idea but it wasn't on impulse. i've been fucking trying to get you out of here for months and this was my last shot.
you know what? no, the cult didn't tell me to do that. they told me to cut nekane open and take something out. i haven't cut someone open in almost a year, i got carried away. because i'm a fucking basket case and their insides made me horny. is that what you want to hear? are you getting off on the fucking details?
[There's a pause here. He needs to break something, cool down... no. No, actually, he's not done typing.]
they were in danger because i care about them. you dumb fuck. if you were the only one that cared, they wouldn't have been on my list. the order doesn't fucking care how much they hurt people's feelings, they wanted blood. i hurt everyone i love. for you. and it wasn't fucking worth it.
I didn't ask you to do that for me. I wanted to do this the right and if that failed we could fight back together but not with the cult. Something you could've remembered by the fact that I got a letter from them too! But you didn't see me ripping up your family photo, the only thing you love that you seem capable of protecting.
Nekane wouldn't have even known you if I hadn't. You hurt everyone you love because you got one command from some all powerful monsters and you jumped for the purpose. You spout apologies but you're just sorry for yourself.
For once in your screwed up life, listen. Pick. A. Side. If you don't want to be a monster you need to figure out how to control yourself, draw a line, and never cross it again. Remember this, what you have done. And then when some new idiot who hasn't been hurt by you actually believes you when you say you're changing, you might actually have a chance of some happiness in the span of your eternity here.
Or, you can keep martyring yourself and crying how none of it was in your power. If that's the hell you want to earn, so be it.
IVE BEEN ON YOUR SIDE FOR MONTHS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HELP YOU I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET BETTER FOR YOU. ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT IF IT DIDNT WORK OUT YOUR WAY. YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK.
you want a real fucking apology hector? im sorry i dont fucking trust daddy lucifer to fix all your problems im sorry i cant fucking take care of myself the way everyone expects me to im sorry i cant shut off the thoughts ive been battling with my whole fucking life im sorry i cant sit around and watch the world burn like you do if you wanna sit on your high horse now and pretend ive been sitting on my ass this whole time then you can fucking go ahead
never should have given you the benefit of the doubt youre just like janet and francis weak and fucking self righteous go choke on a dick.
Maybe you should have been trying to get better for yourself. Maybe one of those weak and self righteous people you claim to have loved would still be alive. But slapping a pretty paint job over the self-serving bastard you are is all you know how to do. Don't pretend I never loved or forgave you through all the times you stabbed me in the back. Or do, I don't care anymore. Let it be the first thing you see before you try texting me again and maybe it will save us both the trouble.
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no subject
i don't have anyone to talk to.
figured... you're not answering anyway so i could just
i don't know.
[Pretend.]
no subject
He types that up and deletes it.]
You used to talk to me all the time about making a choice.
You forced choices in where I thought there didn't need to be.
[And he was wrong.]
Is there really no one else?
I told you what that life of yours was costing you, but you keep going back to it so there's got to be a reason.
We're in Hell, surely there's somebody else here who likes your way of life.
You don't have to keep pretending for fools like me or Francis or Janet anymore.
Why aren't you free yet?
no subject
i'm trying to be better.
you know i am.
but i keep slipping back
and that's not my fault.[Sigh.]
this wasnt a choice between me and nekane.
it wouldnt be fair if it was. no one would expect you to side with a murderer.
even though you keep doing that.if i belonged in that way of life, this would have been easier.
i'd just forcefeed you and cut up hawke's face
pull out squalo's teeth
bring it all back to the order with my tag wagging.
i would have done all of that for just a chance in hell to get you out of here.
but i'm not that much of a monster.
lucifer won't get you out. you know that, right? i bet he's already cooking up some other way to keep you here.
no subject
Do you realize that had I not shot you, my list would be clear completely right now?
I am redeemed. I am leaving. There is nothing else left.
I even have a note from Lucifer himself saying I can bring people home with me. Two.
I might have offered it to you if I could trust you.
You did all that on a whim and you know something?
I wouldn't have gone to the cult even if that weren't true.
Because of what cults did to Nekane.
Because of what one did to you.
I wish you had hurt me.
I can't even think about what you actually tried to do to me after what you did to them.
The very thing that happened to you and to me and to them, the very thing I told you I would do anything to keep from happening again
That was the first thing you really ever knew about me when I pulled you from that bar, do you remember that?
You can't even say it was for the cult, I know it wasn't, that was all your twisted impulse and the only reason they were in danger from you at all was because of me.
And then everyone else...
You should've hurt me.
I might have forgiven you.
I'm going to give you some advice.
Are you still reading?
no subject
give it a week, you'll be right back here. or you'll end up in some new place, and you still won't see your family. there's no reason for lucifer to make good on his promise.
it wasn't a whim.
it was a stupid fucking idea but it wasn't on impulse.
i've been fucking trying to get you out of here for months and this was my last shot.
you know what?
no, the cult didn't tell me to do that. they told me to cut nekane open and take something out.
i haven't cut someone open in almost a year, i got carried away.
because i'm a fucking basket case and their insides made me horny.
is that what you want to hear?
are you getting off on the fucking details?
[There's a pause here. He needs to break something, cool down... no. No, actually, he's not done typing.]
they were in danger because i care about them.
you dumb fuck.
if you were the only one that cared, they wouldn't have been on my list.
the order doesn't fucking care how much they hurt people's feelings, they wanted blood.
i hurt everyone i love.
for you.
and it wasn't fucking worth it.
shove your advice.
no subject
You wanted to talk? We're talking.
I didn't ask you to do that for me. I wanted to do this the right and if that failed we could fight back together but not with the cult. Something you could've remembered by the fact that I got a letter from them too! But you didn't see me ripping up your family photo, the only thing you love that you seem capable of protecting.
Nekane wouldn't have even known you if I hadn't.
You hurt everyone you love because you got one command from some all powerful monsters and you jumped for the purpose.
You spout apologies but you're just sorry for yourself.
For once in your screwed up life, listen.
Pick. A. Side.
If you don't want to be a monster you need to figure out how to control yourself, draw a line, and never cross it again.
Remember this, what you have done.
And then when some new idiot who hasn't been hurt by you actually believes you when you say you're changing, you might actually have a chance of some happiness in the span of your eternity here.
Or, you can keep martyring yourself and crying how none of it was in your power. If that's the hell you want to earn, so be it.
no subject
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HELP YOU
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET BETTER FOR YOU.
ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT IF IT DIDNT WORK OUT YOUR WAY.
YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK.
you want a real fucking apology hector?
im sorry i dont fucking trust daddy lucifer to fix all your problems
im sorry i cant fucking take care of myself the way everyone expects me to
im sorry i cant shut off the thoughts ive been battling with my whole fucking life
im sorry i cant sit around and watch the world burn like you do
if you wanna sit on your high horse now and pretend ive been sitting on my ass this whole time then you can fucking go ahead
never should have given you the benefit of the doubt
youre just like janet and francis
weak and fucking self righteous
go choke on a dick.
no subject
Maybe one of those weak and self righteous people you claim to have loved would still be alive.
But slapping a pretty paint job over the self-serving bastard you are is all you know how to do.
Don't pretend I never loved or forgave you through all the times you stabbed me in the back.
Or do, I don't care anymore.
Let it be the first thing you see before you try texting me again and maybe it will save us both the trouble.
no subject
we agree on one thing
ive been wasting my time.
im not gonna bother anymore.