Nekane might as well have gutted him, writing those words out on paper. It clears away that dull blank-ness for a moment, his face flickering through with sorrow, sickness, guilt, anger, and then some.
Nekane leaves him no out. Don't pretend. He has to, for himself at least.
"He nearly killed you. And I'm his excuse. That's..." He shakes his head. It doesn't help the sickly was he feels.
Can't lose you. He can still hear it, the man crying unseen. He can still hear their back and forth from a time unreal, telling each other they were better than they thought. Better than they were. His expression twists further.
"It's not like I didn't see the signs this time. It's not like Ernesto. Dodger's been clear from the start. But I cared anyway. Like an idiot. He's hurting, I know he is, but it's his own fault and I guess I thought... maybe he'd try and fix it. God, I really wanted him to try. I don't know why. To prove something? To say that anyone can be redeemed? That I'm not stupid? To... tell myself that- maybe Erenesto regretted it too... Goddammit..." His breath hitches. His throat aches but that just makes him think how Nekane must be hurting more.
"He found me in the club one day. He found out, sort of, what happened there- to me. He said things. He was the only besides you who just got it. He made me feel--" He felt a lot of things. He felt protected for a moment. He felt safe, understood, not as ugly as he'd been feeling inside before and since. Then Dodger killed him anyway. And now this.
"I'm going to go get ice." His voice keeps cracking. "Do you want something besides the water?"
Their eyes flick down while Héctor talks. Nekane rarely gives people an out when speaking (or writing in this case) but for a moment they wonder if they should have here. He's hurting, maybe even more then they are. It's one thing to get hurt, it's another to watch someone else get hurt because you trusted another to not be a piece of shit.
Particularly when Héctor mentions about meeting Dodger in the club. He figured out what happened to Héctor and it sounds like he handled it much better then Nekane did. Their need to keep going in Hell was as much of a strength as a weakness. Don't focus on it, don't talk about it. Just keep going because it's just another thing carved into their skin.
Not Héctor.
happy. safe. understood.
It's not hard for them to pick out what Héctor probably was feeling at the time. But-
I'm okay., in response to the question about the ice. But while he's gone, Nekane starts writing.
They're dozing by the time he gets back and don't move much, trying to combat their usual fears that come with sleeping and knowing they actually need to rest. Meanwhile, they have written something for him.
she was like him too. fine if you played along because then she was happy. refusal was not good. not tolerated. you were the bad guy if you did.
sometimes they can want you to have the best but it comes down to them in the end.
Because if one looked at it from the outside, that person had been treated extremely well. If anything they had all the advantages in that relationship. But Nekane remembers that very few people bothered to look under the clothing to see the bruises there. Just so she could feel better about herself.
I refused what dodger wanted from me. I'll keep doing it even if he hurts me. never again.
Happy, safe, understood. Three gutting words that stick like knives in him. He gets up, head buzzing with everything and the hangover too. Dios it hurts. But it'll give him a breather to get up and then come back. He wraps the ice up in an unworn t-shirt and soon crawls back under the sheets where Nekane writes.
His life is written in those words. So many times he'd caved to Ernesto. So many times he'd bowed his head with guilt, only because his friend was unhappy. And so, so many Ernesto had tried to give him the world. It always seemed like he was trying to give the world.
He holds the ice to his hand and holds that close to his chest, then closer still as he reads on. His heart constricts with fear, breath pulling sharp and eyes going up to meet theirs.
"He--?" Never again. He's afraid to ask.
"I don't want you to get hurt. In any way." He understands refusing Dodger. He gets that. But the thought of them being killed because they refused makes a panic sing in his chest. If it came down to it, if it were a choice, he wouldn't refuse. If it kept Nekane safe, he knows what he'd do. There are still candies in the sweater pocket. "Not again."
These are things he can't talk to Nekane about. He doesn't meet their eyes.
It's admirable, what he says. Dodger was much stronger then either of them. Héctor was a normal person but even Nekane, someone who could manipulate shadows and illusions, felt the man's strength when they were pinned. Coupled with his teleportation, flames and whatever other abilities Dodger may have, it makes for a nasty combination.
To stand between the possibility of Nekane being hurt is touching and they are grateful for it.
But it also doesn't stop them from jabbing Héctor in the side with the pen.
not possible. to stop me from getting hurt you'd have to tie me up and keep me under your bed.
and I'll bite you if you try.
They'd say kill but that's probably too on the nose right now and that should get their point across anyway. Even if Dodger leaves Hell somehow, it's Hell. Keeping them from not getting hurt wasn't possible even if he dearly wished for it.
(The thought process makes them a hypocrite because of the contract coming their way, but they're not saying a damn thing about it.)
when he comes back you can hear him out. but set boundaries and stick with them, even if he bitches. spend as little time as possible with him. talking on the phone or texting is fine. doesn't have to be in person.
you have no reason to play fair. no reason to do what he says. ask if it's just to make him feel better and go from there.
ask if doing what he asks you to do will make you happy.
"Ay!" He yelps, more out of surprise than pain. He huffs and pouts at them, but it does take him a bit out of his own miserable head.
He frowns at the words on paper.
"I'm not afraid of a few bites. But I'm not tying you up and shoving you anywhere either."
He knows, in actuality, he can't protect them from being hurt. Not here. But that doesn't mean he can't try and stop as much as he can.
He's surprised by what he reads next, mostly for the leeway it gives. They don't ask him to cut Dodger out completely, which, truth be told, is what he thought would be the right thing to do here. But he can keep a distance. He can't stop the man from just showing up but Dodger doesn't necessarily know where he'll be. It doesn't have to be in person and he doesn't have to be nice and he doesn't have to accept any apology that might come, if any do.
Ask if doing what he asks you to do will make you happy. It's that last line that really gets to him. It's the realization of all the times he failed to think for himself in life. And something Nekane understands. He bobs his head.
"Okay. I'll try that. Thank you." For getting it, for helping him, for all they are always.
He adds then, "But I want you to tell me if he hurts you. If he touches you, if he even talks to you. I know you probably won't want to, but I need to know. I don't want to be in the dark on what's going on. Especially if he tries to turn things around on me."
Which means, even if he doesn't want to know... He takes a breath.
Nekane actually growls at Héctor's mention of not being afraid of a few bites. Maybe it doesn't sound threatening but he's not seen them cornered and afraid. If their shadows don't work, there's their illusions. If those are gone then there is themself.
All the way until they meet their end.
But they focus when Héctor keeps talking. He takes the advice Nekane has to heart but the rest is...well, they can see his point. If they don't talk then Dodger can make up whatever he wanted and that meant he had all the control. And God, they are not giving him that.
You too. And they give him a look. That's their stipulation. He has to tell them if the same thing happens to him.
But Nekane pauses at his next question. They know Héctor isn't going to like it. But they have to write it.
You know how that game works.
He wanted more then that. I said no so he pinned me. Said I should be grateful.
That I was only alive because of you. Otherwise he'd be cutting open my face.
They weren't kidding when they said Héctor was Dodger's excuse.
When he broke the mirror I used my illusions to blind him. Still caught me.
I did provoke him. Because Nekane wasn't innocent in all that. But keeping their mouth shut and letting Dodger have his way was never in the cards. That's all.
He hasn't seen them like that, no. But it's not like he hasn't been bitten before. Even if not to the same extreme. He lets the growl go all the same.
He bobs his head with those first words. It's fair. If nothing else, he thinks they both try to be fair.
"I can do that," He promises. Even if he knows it'll be easier said than done.
What follows is what he feared. It's what he thought, but put to words, it manages to gut him anyway.
It paints a terrible picture. He can imagine it vividly, a knife stuck in and prying Nekane apart like a jammed drawer. It's worse than Dodger simply getting handsy, something he's done and something Héctor could expect. This is threat, explicit. By the end, he shakes his head.
"I don't care if you provoked him. You were doing that all evening. You still never asked him to touch you. He could have told us to go. You came along to protect me in the first place. He tried to make offers a hundred times to look out for anyone I asked. Even if I didn't take him up it's obvious enough he knows he was wrong." He should've never brought Nekane along. He should have never gone at all. "He should've known better. And so should've I."
They tap the 'unpredictable' comment before turning the page.
Can't control people's actions. God knows I want to while working.
But can only predict it. Maybe if there was a promise he would have upheld it. Maybe not. Can still hurt people while upholding it. Not your fault that it happened. Only his because he chose to do it.
Okay to feel guilty though.
Because dismissing those feelings will turn him into something like them. Lying was a sin on their list only because it was a universal sin, not because they felt guilty about it. Choosing to not feel guilty about anything would be something like it.
Just don't beat yourself up forever. I don't blame you. You gave him a chance and he fucked it up. That's on him.
Not Héctor. He could ask Dodger to behave until his voice broke and the words were etched into the man's brain but it comes down to the person to change their behavior.
He frowns again at the tap to the page, but he can't argue it. They're right. He can't control Dodger. Or Ernesto. Or anyone else or even them for that matter.
As difficult as it all is to swallow, it helps too. He swallows down the ache in his throat and bobs his head to show he understands. Then, carefully, he slides closer.
"I'm glad you're alive."
He doesn't know what he would've done if Dodger had actually managed to kill them. This is already bad enough.
"I'm going to find you a scarf later. Something loose. You can cover up but still let the wound breathemore than your wrapping does. Is that okay with you?"
"I ain't about to kneel over if I can help it. Not to a shithead like him."
Maybe it's just a point of pride now, to keep denying Dodger their body and life because fuck him. And Nekane knows just how low they'd stoop just to spite someone.
They slowly lean into him, making sure they don't go so fast they get sick and completely ruin the moment. Not that they don't try to anyway.
"You ain't half bad either." Nailed it. "Find an ugly one. I wanna blind everyone that looks at it if I can't tie the bandages tight."
If it's a point of pride, he can't blame them. At this point, he's regretting that Dodger's known his body even more than he already had been. But then, his will is far weaker than Nekane's with just about anything but home.
It's a twinge in his heart when the move to him, filling the space. He tucks his iced hand close and reaches the other around them. And he laughs at their ever blunt words.
"Alright," He promises. He presses a kiss to the top of their head. "Bright, ugly, and breathable. I'll make sure of it."
Just as soon as they both deal with their hangovers.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: noncon discussion
Nekane leaves him no out. Don't pretend. He has to, for himself at least.
"He nearly killed you. And I'm his excuse. That's..." He shakes his head. It doesn't help the sickly was he feels.
Can't lose you. He can still hear it, the man crying unseen. He can still hear their back and forth from a time unreal, telling each other they were better than they thought. Better than they were. His expression twists further.
"It's not like I didn't see the signs this time. It's not like Ernesto. Dodger's been clear from the start. But I cared anyway. Like an idiot. He's hurting, I know he is, but it's his own fault and I guess I thought... maybe he'd try and fix it. God, I really wanted him to try. I don't know why. To prove something? To say that anyone can be redeemed? That I'm not stupid? To... tell myself that- maybe Erenesto regretted it too... Goddammit..." His breath hitches. His throat aches but that just makes him think how Nekane must be hurting more.
"He found me in the club one day. He found out, sort of, what happened there- to me. He said things. He was the only besides you who just got it. He made me feel--" He felt a lot of things. He felt protected for a moment. He felt safe, understood, not as ugly as he'd been feeling inside before and since. Then Dodger killed him anyway. And now this.
"I'm going to go get ice." His voice keeps cracking. "Do you want something besides the water?"
cw for abuse
Particularly when Héctor mentions about meeting Dodger in the club. He figured out what happened to Héctor and it sounds like he handled it much better then Nekane did. Their need to keep going in Hell was as much of a strength as a weakness. Don't focus on it, don't talk about it. Just keep going because it's just another thing carved into their skin.
Not Héctor.
happy. safe. understood.
It's not hard for them to pick out what Héctor probably was feeling at the time. But-
I'm okay., in response to the question about the ice. But while he's gone, Nekane starts writing.
They're dozing by the time he gets back and don't move much, trying to combat their usual fears that come with sleeping and knowing they actually need to rest. Meanwhile, they have written something for him.
she was like him too. fine if you played along because then she was happy. refusal was not good. not tolerated. you were the bad guy if you did.
sometimes they can want you to have the best but it comes down to them in the end.
Because if one looked at it from the outside, that person had been treated extremely well. If anything they had all the advantages in that relationship. But Nekane remembers that very few people bothered to look under the clothing to see the bruises there. Just so she could feel better about herself.
I refused what dodger wanted from me. I'll keep doing it even if he hurts me. never again.
I can help you too, if you want.
cw for abuse
His life is written in those words. So many times he'd caved to Ernesto. So many times he'd bowed his head with guilt, only because his friend was unhappy. And so, so many Ernesto had tried to give him the world. It always seemed like he was trying to give the world.
He holds the ice to his hand and holds that close to his chest, then closer still as he reads on. His heart constricts with fear, breath pulling sharp and eyes going up to meet theirs.
"He--?" Never again. He's afraid to ask.
"I don't want you to get hurt. In any way." He understands refusing Dodger. He gets that. But the thought of them being killed because they refused makes a panic sing in his chest. If it came down to it, if it were a choice, he wouldn't refuse. If it kept Nekane safe, he knows what he'd do. There are still candies in the sweater pocket. "Not again."
These are things he can't talk to Nekane about. He doesn't meet their eyes.
"...What kind of help?"
no subject
To stand between the possibility of Nekane being hurt is touching and they are grateful for it.
But it also doesn't stop them from jabbing Héctor in the side with the pen.
not possible. to stop me from getting hurt you'd have to tie me up and keep me under your bed.
and I'll bite you if you try.
They'd say kill but that's probably too on the nose right now and that should get their point across anyway. Even if Dodger leaves Hell somehow, it's Hell. Keeping them from not getting hurt wasn't possible even if he dearly wished for it.
(The thought process makes them a hypocrite because of the contract coming their way, but they're not saying a damn thing about it.)
when he comes back you can hear him out. but set boundaries and stick with them, even if he bitches. spend as little time as possible with him. talking on the phone or texting is fine. doesn't have to be in person.
you have no reason to play fair. no reason to do what he says. ask if it's just to make him feel better and go from there.
ask if doing what he asks you to do will make you happy.
no subject
He frowns at the words on paper.
"I'm not afraid of a few bites. But I'm not tying you up and shoving you anywhere either."
He knows, in actuality, he can't protect them from being hurt. Not here. But that doesn't mean he can't try and stop as much as he can.
He's surprised by what he reads next, mostly for the leeway it gives. They don't ask him to cut Dodger out completely, which, truth be told, is what he thought would be the right thing to do here. But he can keep a distance. He can't stop the man from just showing up but Dodger doesn't necessarily know where he'll be. It doesn't have to be in person and he doesn't have to be nice and he doesn't have to accept any apology that might come, if any do.
Ask if doing what he asks you to do will make you happy. It's that last line that really gets to him. It's the realization of all the times he failed to think for himself in life. And something Nekane understands. He bobs his head.
"Okay. I'll try that. Thank you." For getting it, for helping him, for all they are always.
He adds then, "But I want you to tell me if he hurts you. If he touches you, if he even talks to you. I know you probably won't want to, but I need to know. I don't want to be in the dark on what's going on. Especially if he tries to turn things around on me."
Which means, even if he doesn't want to know... He takes a breath.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
no subject
All the way until they meet their end.
But they focus when Héctor keeps talking. He takes the advice Nekane has to heart but the rest is...well, they can see his point. If they don't talk then Dodger can make up whatever he wanted and that meant he had all the control. And God, they are not giving him that.
You too. And they give him a look. That's their stipulation. He has to tell them if the same thing happens to him.
But Nekane pauses at his next question. They know Héctor isn't going to like it. But they have to write it.
You know how that game works.
He wanted more then that. I said no so he pinned me. Said I should be grateful.
That I was only alive because of you. Otherwise he'd be cutting open my face.
They weren't kidding when they said Héctor was Dodger's excuse.
When he broke the mirror I used my illusions to blind him. Still caught me.
I did provoke him. Because Nekane wasn't innocent in all that. But keeping their mouth shut and letting Dodger have his way was never in the cards. That's all.
no subject
He bobs his head with those first words. It's fair. If nothing else, he thinks they both try to be fair.
"I can do that," He promises. Even if he knows it'll be easier said than done.
What follows is what he feared. It's what he thought, but put to words, it manages to gut him anyway.
It paints a terrible picture. He can imagine it vividly, a knife stuck in and prying Nekane apart like a jammed drawer. It's worse than Dodger simply getting handsy, something he's done and something Héctor could expect. This is threat, explicit. By the end, he shakes his head.
"I don't care if you provoked him. You were doing that all evening. You still never asked him to touch you. He could have told us to go. You came along to protect me in the first place. He tried to make offers a hundred times to look out for anyone I asked. Even if I didn't take him up it's obvious enough he knows he was wrong." He should've never brought Nekane along. He should have never gone at all. "He should've known better. And so should've I."
no subject
Can't control people's actions. God knows I want to while working.
But can only predict it. Maybe if there was a promise he would have upheld it. Maybe not. Can still hurt people while upholding it. Not your fault that it happened. Only his because he chose to do it.
Okay to feel guilty though.
Because dismissing those feelings will turn him into something like them. Lying was a sin on their list only because it was a universal sin, not because they felt guilty about it. Choosing to not feel guilty about anything would be something like it.
Just don't beat yourself up forever. I don't blame you. You gave him a chance and he fucked it up. That's on him.
Not Héctor. He could ask Dodger to behave until his voice broke and the words were etched into the man's brain but it comes down to the person to change their behavior.
no subject
As difficult as it all is to swallow, it helps too. He swallows down the ache in his throat and bobs his head to show he understands. Then, carefully, he slides closer.
"I'm glad you're alive."
He doesn't know what he would've done if Dodger had actually managed to kill them. This is already bad enough.
"I'm going to find you a scarf later. Something loose. You can cover up but still let the wound breathemore than your wrapping does. Is that okay with you?"
no subject
Maybe it's just a point of pride now, to keep denying Dodger their body and life because fuck him. And Nekane knows just how low they'd stoop just to spite someone.
They slowly lean into him, making sure they don't go so fast they get sick and completely ruin the moment. Not that they don't try to anyway.
"You ain't half bad either." Nailed it. "Find an ugly one. I wanna blind everyone that looks at it if I can't tie the bandages tight."
Priorities.
no subject
It's a twinge in his heart when the move to him, filling the space. He tucks his iced hand close and reaches the other around them. And he laughs at their ever blunt words.
"Alright," He promises. He presses a kiss to the top of their head. "Bright, ugly, and breathable. I'll make sure of it."
Just as soon as they both deal with their hangovers.