[His laugh is a bit awkward, and he shrugs as if to play off how happy it makes him to share and have it accepted and appreciated.]
I used to miss her all the time. Growing up with Benny and Yana, y'know, it was way different. They... they didn't care about me. Didn't care about my brother, either - he wasn't really my brother, he was.. their kid. But they'd rather have me than him, they said so.
[He stops himself, because none of that is happy, or bittersweet, or good. It all just hurts. Except for Tony.]
My brother and I - his name's Anthony - we used to play music all the time. We both played guitar, but I picked up the bass so I could play with him. He was trash at everything else. Sometimes we used to talk about... ditching the gang, going clean and starting a band with his friends.
[And then Benny had smashed his guitar.
It also... probably says a lot, that Dodger says his friends, not our friends. Because even if Dodger had been the leader of their group, they were Tony's friends, not his.]
[They didn't care about me. He's glad, in a way, that Dodger can at least see that. The admiration didn't sit well with him.
It's a story laced with pain but he gives an encouraging look when Dodger falters. He's doing good, as far as breaking a habit.]
... It was like with Ernesto too. Not you. But I had music and I taught him all I knew. But he was the one who... who showed me around, who made me feel like I was somebody. All his friends were older than me but Ernesto could make things sound so good, he could even get them looking at a scrappy ugly thing like me. And of course, we had our dream. To play for the world.
[He takes a breath.]
It didn't work out as you can see, but, at the time, it meant a lot.
[He doesn't suggest Dodger had better luck. He knows it's a lie.]
I think you would've been different if you had escaped sooner. Maybe you would've been happier.
[He probably would have been different, if he'd left sooner. If Tony had come with him, maybe that dream of a band could've been a reality. Now that's a truly bittersweet thought.]
Well... I started acting up. Couldn't handle the sort of person Benny was trying to turn me into. I started sneaking around with this girl I met, hiding out and playing guitar instead of running recon, doing all sorts of stupid shit. I was a kid, I thought I knew better than him.
[There's a laugh on his lips, but there's no humor in it.]
He found out about my girl. He told me if I wanted to stick with him, I had to kill her. Otherwise I was out, on my own, back on the street. We got in a fight. He ah... he broke a bottle, swiped my face with it.
[He gestures to his scars; some of the marks have healed away, but the three that are left had almost scratched the bones.]
...Don't remember much of what happened after that. I took a nap, left before the sun went up, found Janet and took off to New York with her. And... I left Anthony to find his dad's body.
[The smile leaves his face, he takes a drag from his cigarette and lets it out with a sigh.]
[It's not a boast or an excuse. It's just a sad end to a story. His brow furrows.]
That man is a monster. That's not a man you want to be. [Not like Dodger tried to suggest.] You did know better. You went from a kid who kept people warm on the street, who loved music and your mother, to someone's living punching bag and being told to kill those you care about just to please this man.
[He shakes his head and looks away from Dodger, taking a drag from his own half-forgotten cigarette.]
I worry about what it did to you. And maybe to your brother too. But I can't say I feel much sorry for that man.
[Just when he said he didn't know if he could turn his back on bloodied hands. But it's exactly the point too.]
I think in at least some part of that, sparing your girl's life and leaving, I think that was the right thing. You can... you can do better. I still want to believe that.
[Even with truth serum in his veins and pain in his heart.]
When you've healed better, on a day like today where my own hands are working, we should turn on the video things on our phones. We can play. You with your guitar and me with mine. The batteries never run out on these. We can play and listen all night if we like. No one to stop us. Would you like that?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I used to miss her all the time. Growing up with Benny and Yana, y'know, it was way different. They... they didn't care about me. Didn't care about my brother, either - he wasn't really my brother, he was.. their kid. But they'd rather have me than him, they said so.
[He stops himself, because none of that is happy, or bittersweet, or good. It all just hurts. Except for Tony.]
My brother and I - his name's Anthony - we used to play music all the time. We both played guitar, but I picked up the bass so I could play with him. He was trash at everything else. Sometimes we used to talk about... ditching the gang, going clean and starting a band with his friends.
[And then Benny had smashed his guitar.
It also... probably says a lot, that Dodger says his friends, not our friends. Because even if Dodger had been the leader of their group, they were Tony's friends, not his.]
no subject
It's a story laced with pain but he gives an encouraging look when Dodger falters. He's doing good, as far as breaking a habit.]
... It was like with Ernesto too. Not you. But I had music and I taught him all I knew. But he was the one who... who showed me around, who made me feel like I was somebody. All his friends were older than me but Ernesto could make things sound so good, he could even get them looking at a scrappy ugly thing like me. And of course, we had our dream. To play for the world.
[He takes a breath.]
It didn't work out as you can see, but, at the time, it meant a lot.
[He doesn't suggest Dodger had better luck. He knows it's a lie.]
I think you would've been different if you had escaped sooner. Maybe you would've been happier.
What happened to that plan?
no subject
Well... I started acting up. Couldn't handle the sort of person Benny was trying to turn me into. I started sneaking around with this girl I met, hiding out and playing guitar instead of running recon, doing all sorts of stupid shit. I was a kid, I thought I knew better than him.
[There's a laugh on his lips, but there's no humor in it.]
He found out about my girl. He told me if I wanted to stick with him, I had to kill her. Otherwise I was out, on my own, back on the street. We got in a fight. He ah... he broke a bottle, swiped my face with it.
[He gestures to his scars; some of the marks have healed away, but the three that are left had almost scratched the bones.]
...Don't remember much of what happened after that. I took a nap, left before the sun went up, found Janet and took off to New York with her. And... I left Anthony to find his dad's body.
[The smile leaves his face, he takes a drag from his cigarette and lets it out with a sigh.]
Sorry. I'm just bringing the mood down.
no subject
[He shakes his head.]
This is different. I asked.
[It's not a boast or an excuse. It's just a sad end to a story. His brow furrows.]
That man is a monster. That's not a man you want to be. [Not like Dodger tried to suggest.] You did know better. You went from a kid who kept people warm on the street, who loved music and your mother, to someone's living punching bag and being told to kill those you care about just to please this man.
[He shakes his head and looks away from Dodger, taking a drag from his own half-forgotten cigarette.]
I worry about what it did to you. And maybe to your brother too. But I can't say I feel much sorry for that man.
[Just when he said he didn't know if he could turn his back on bloodied hands. But it's exactly the point too.]
I think in at least some part of that, sparing your girl's life and leaving, I think that was the right thing. You can... you can do better. I still want to believe that.
[Even with truth serum in his veins and pain in his heart.]
When you've healed better, on a day like today where my own hands are working, we should turn on the video things on our phones. We can play. You with your guitar and me with mine. The batteries never run out on these. We can play and listen all night if we like. No one to stop us. Would you like that?