unpocoloco | Daybreak IC Inbox

[Usually, someone taking a firm stance and raising their voice fires him up, gets him to sneer and lash back because he has the "right" to do so according to some twisted logic he imagined up one day. He could turn it into a real fight, and he could win by whatever means possible.

He doesn't. Maybe he doesn't really want to win this time.]

That isn't... The Daybreak shit isn't the end goal, it's supposed to make some fucking...opportunity, I don't know! His -- the psycho mage is like some corrupted politician, he's just manufacturing a fucking way to swoop in and be a big damn hero! [But it was definitely hurting people, and it definitely, definitely wouldn't work out so nicely. If it had even been a possibility, he wouldn't have had to undermine anyone. Mav knows that.]

He knows he's fucked up, but he's not... He's trying to keep them from sending someone else! Someone that doesn't fucking care! He's not even doing it anymore, I don't... I don't think...

But you don't know!

[And Maverick has enough doubt to all but admit so. That's damning enough. But...]

Say we give him the benefit of doubt. Again. He is in way over his head here. Trust me, there is nothing not crazy with mage politics, and that's without involving actual politicians! He either keeps doing enough damage here to satisfy that guy's psychotic desires or someone else shows up but either way people are at risk! Daybreak needs to know! They need to know who this guy is, they need to know who he works with, and then, then they can even begin to address whatever mess has been left here. That is the best-case scenario.

[He stops, hands in the air as he takes a breath.]

Just... tell me what he's been doing. Unless he hasn't even told you in which case that really puts his confession to you in some serious doubt.

[He takes a step back, hurt eyes narrowing. It's bait. It's bait, and Héctor thinks he's dumb enough to fall for it, dumb enough to sell Akechi out just for the sake of his own pride, and --

There's nothing wrong with you. Héctor had said that, and he needs to cling to it now to keep his voice steady. His breath hitches all the same.]

I'm not an idiot. I made him tell me, and I made him tell me what got him into this mess in the first place. You really think I wouldn't?

[This part is hard to say, though. Not because he wants to protect Akechi as much as he can, but because just thinking about it turns him bitter and hateful, and there's a disgusted crinkle in his nose when he looks away.]

They lose control. The people he uses his power on, they don't fucking care enough to hold themselves back. Atchison and one of my friends, I guess they both went around wrecking shit, or wanting to hurt people, or fucking... [Mav clenches his teeth together for a moment.] Mous -- ...Toki tried to drown himself. [Quickly, as much as he hates himself for it,] But he didn't know any of that was going to happen! His dad wanted Toki dead because of that fucking website he made, but he just wanted to get him on -- on lockdown. He was trying not to hurt people.

Hang on.

[There's a lot here. A lot to react to, a lot that makes him want to protest, to step back. He doesn't think Maverick's an idiot, for one, just that maybe Akechi is really good at this or maybe Maverick's heart is just aching that much for him. The loss of control too hits him like a blow, a hitch in breath and a bit of horror working into his expression. He was there when Avery lost it, he felt the results of it. Toki drowning himself is even worse.

But it's the last part. It's that very end slip he's not even sure was intended that turns his stomach and makes him put his hands out in a stop motion.]

... Hang on. His Dad.

[It's almost a question. He looks like he wants Maverick to correct him. But he heard right and after a moment his hand rises up over his face. There's a muffled hiss from behind his fingers that may very well be a curse.

His hand drops. He walks to the bed and sits, hands braced on his knees as he processes all of this. He's silent for a good long time.]

That's... You know Atchison went at me, right? With a tire iron. Anyone else and it would have seriously messed them up or worse. Avery would have lost everything. And Toki... does he know why he did it? No, it doesn't even matter except for whatever hell it's wrecked on his head, that's so beyond anything okay. I... ay.

[He keeps staring through the floor. He shakes his head.]

No. No, this can't stay secret. It can't. His Dad is the one who's asked for this? How is he supposed to outrun his father when he doesn't do what he's told? How is he supposed to do anything but drag everyone else down with him for every time he does? I don't care what he thinks, there is no way out of this on his own. Somebody has to bring this forward and I mean now.

[He feels cold, like his skin has been peeled away from him again and left him exposed. Fuck. He hadn't -- he hadn't meant to say that. He shouldn't have said that, like he shouldn't have said any of this. He shifts again, a slight nudge in the path to the door to block any attempt Héctor might make to put an end to all of this before he has a chance to get a handle on it again, but when Héctor moves, he moves to the bed.

He can breathe again. Just a little. Well, until Héctor lays out the consequences Maverick kept telling himself he knew all to well. Hearing it out loud sends icy spikes into his heart all over again.]

He's going to confess! He fucking said so! He wants to, he just -- he doesn't want to be locked up, or killed! Even if the fucking school lets him off the hook, if his dad finds out he -- if it was -- [YOU KNOW??? Mav doesn't really know. Everything has gotten so, so fucked up.] If... If he...

[He shudders, and he doesn't bother moving over to the bed before he falls into a sit.]

If he doesn't do it on his own, then I just let it happen. Nothing I did or said mattered. I won't...matter.

[He should move to the floor. But he needs a moment.]

...Maverick. How many times... You matter to me. You matter to Imelda. You matter to your Mamá. To your friends, so many people but... you can't count on people changing to be the reason you matter...! You don't need to prove yourself. The only one who doesn't believe that is you.

[He scrubs at his face with his hands and gets up. Just a short few steps and he can reach for the kid himself, draw him up to his feet, hopefully, draw him to the bed. Or if not, sit down there with him.]

I want you to think for a moment. Think about how you feel right now. About how badly you don't want to tell anyone. And think about how much harder that's going to be for Akechi. People nearly died. If that hasn't pushed him to say anything yet it's only going to keep pushing him to stay silent.

You're not going to just let it happen. Not so long as you say something. Do you understand? Stop waiting for him to prove that you're worthy. No one else can do that for you.

[His eyes drop. He takes a steadying breath. This... is a mess. It's ironic, almost, that he actually feels tired.]

He's not going to be killed. I can give you at least three reasons to guarantee that. He probably won't even be locked up. As for his Dad, once the faculty here knows what's going on, he is not going to be able do a thing here. And neither will any person he sends. But even a slim risk is better than a ticking clock where that guy wins.

[He shakes his head decisively — not because it isn’t true. He knows Ramona loves him, and after the dream he doesn’t doubt Héctor’s feelings, either. He denies the idea because it’s different. When he opens his mouth to protect and focuses back in, he’s met with the offer of the other man’s hands. He takes them in a daze, sits down in a daze, listens in a daze.]

But I...

[He’s not sure. He wants to say something, but it’s even harder when he knows he’s wrong.]

I wanted him to fucking... Can’t I try? One more time? I need to... I need to know he isn’t — I didn’t let him —

[Now, at last, he brings his arm around Maverick. He lets it rest behind his back, holding him steady. It's meant to comfort Maverick but he soon sees that it's not just that.

He angles himself then, bringing both arms around and hugging tight. That one... that one's for himself, his stern look falling away as he draws back.]

You want to know it was real. That he cared.

[He gets it. He doesn't have near the same nerve.]

I don't want you to get hurt. I want you to make sure, however you do this, you're safe. Okay? You promised me, mijo, and now you have to keep at that.

Stay safe. Make sure this gets out. Keep me in the know so I don't go crazy. Deal?

[He feels a rush of affection fo Héctor then, and if it were at all appropriate he might have grabbed his face and kissed him in gratitude. Instead, he settles for lifting his gaze to meet Héctor's, nods, and curses softly as he has to reach up and rub away a stray tear from his cheek. And he'd been doing so well...

But Héctor gets it, and of fucking course Héctor gets it, after their talks. One Ernesto is bad enough... Imagine there being another, an Ernesto that would go to such crude lengths to fool someone and who really would kill to get what he wanted. Haha.]

Y-yeah. I promise. God, if he fucking tries, I'm gonna kill him myself.

[He laughs a little, joyless and croaky, but it isn't much of a joke with how heavy and hollow his heart feels. To think he's gotten so rusty with his knife since coming to this school...]

If I don't think he's... [you know] You can gather a whole fucking mob, I don't -- I don't care. [He says, caringly, as he cares a lot.]

[~~He doesn't want to imagine.~~

He really isn't sure he does know. He's not sure of all too much at the moment.]

I'd really, really rather not have to do that.

[Along with the fact that Maverick cares a lot.]

Nobody has to die. Mind you, people are going to be angry. And all things considered, I can't blame them. Losing control like that is so much worse from the inside. And speaking from experience, trying to accept an apology from someone who has done something really terrible to you is... well, I couldn't do it. And that'll just have to be something Akechi accepts, whether or not there's a way to make things up.

You don't think I know that?

[He laughs again, and it comes out a little giddy this time even if he still can't feel any happiness at all.]

You don't think I'm fucking furious? You don't think I wanted to beat the shit outta him, after Toki? Fuck, if he wasn't so fucking pathetic --

[If Mav wasn't so fucking pathetic... But dimly, somewhere in his mind he registers Héctor saying he's speaking "from experience," and leans his head against his shoulder.]

I fucking hate this. Sorry I fucking -- just. Dragged you into it. After you went and calmed my panicking ass down back there and everything. Sorry.

[He lets Maverick rant. It's alright. It's only as the apologies start that he speaks up.]

Don't. I don't regret helping you out. And I'm really glad this wasn't just kept quiet for all that much longer.

[Because he's not sure this wouldn't have gotten worse.]

... It's a pretty shitty situation. I think you're more than allowed to hate it.

[Understatement. Fingers quaking, he moves to take Héctor's hand in his again. It's a small, stupid thing, but...it's what makes him feel closest to people.]

I don't know what I'm going to do. Not that that's...anything new, for me.

[His fingers curl around Maverick's and hold tight.]

You know what I think? I think people who say they know what they're doing are lying to themselves.

[He smiles just a little and leans to bump the boy's side.]

Do what you can. Just remember you can't make this perfect for everybody, so don't beat yourself up when all's said and done. You talk. One of you takes it to the faculty. After that's out of your hands.

[He nods before the works even sink it, but when they nod, he gives a slower, more minimal nod. Right. Out of his hands. After this, it's out of his hands. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck he all feels for Akechi, in this ugly mix of neediness, affection, and hatred, it wouldn't be something he had to deal with right away because Akechi wouldn't be his problem.

He shudders, and more tears fall now but he's breathing easier. His hand is in Héctor's, probably squeezing far too tight at the moment, and he feels grounded. Solid. Alive. He's not a skeleton and soon the stress of -- of almost five fucking months wasn't going to be just his and Akechi's problem anymore. God, that feels good.]

Jesus fucking christ.

[Aaaand he's sobbing while he laughs, and he wishes he wasn't because the laughing alone made him look like a fucking lunatic, but really, it's fine. Forget a drink, he owes Héctor a whole goddamn bar.]

[It's a very tight squeeze, one of those when the feeling is more in bone than flesh despite being the latter at the moment. But he doesn't let go or flinch.

The sobbing starts and he can't say he's surprised. He leans into the boy's side. He lets Maverick get it all out, opting for humming once again with enough time. And the he speaks soft.]

You're okay. Things will be okay. Or at least better than they were.

Y-yeah.

[He’s smiling — shakily, but still smiling — when he readjusts and looks at Héctor through wet eyes. God, he looks blurry. Tears are pretty bullshit, especially for being such a strong automatic response when he got overwhelmed. At least this time, he can say relief is in the mix, too.

As much as he hates the idea of Héctor pitying him, he can power through it with that swell of confidence and love. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t suffocating under a problem alone.]

I’m f-fine. I can do this. I’m fucking good now, seriously.

[He smiles, fond, reaching over his free hand to run push back Maverick's hair. Then maybe help wipe at those tears a bit.]

Good. You're gonna do good too. Next time, come to me. Or literally anyone instead of bottling up. It'll save you the time feeling terrible about it.

But, how about for the rest of the night you take things easy? Unless there's something else we need to talk about.

[And finally, finally he feels like himself enough to draw back at the attempt to dry his face. Come on, he can do that himself, don't bring attention to it... Embarrassing. He pulls his sleeve over his palm and uses his forearm to try and make himself presentable again, looking away.]

D-dude. My brain is so fucking fried. You think I can remember if there's something else we fucking need to talk about?

[He laughs. He can't help it. It spills out in breathy snickers.]

Just making sure! Figure we can it out in one go!

Ay, but seriously, that was... I don't remember dreaming being so... adventurous? Vivid? Really intense.

Ain't you lucky, [he blandly says as a kneejerk reaction. Adventurous, maybe not, but vivid and intense? Oh yeah. Definitely. It wasn't something to envy, either, it straight up fucking sucked, at least in Mav's case. More importantly to him:]

You don't dream anymore...? I thought you sleep during the fucking day.

[He draws a hand back, pushing it through his hair as he laughs sheepishly. He knows how Maverick feels about... everything about this.]

Nnnnot exactly. When I said I don't get nightmares? That wasn't just me being lucky. Or not dreaming. I'm not here in the day, without pushing it. I'm pretty much just a body. No sleeping, no passing out, I'm on or I'm completely off. And, yknow, corpses don't dream. Or wake up if anyone calls them for that matter. Make sure to never list me as an emergency contact, on that note.

[He shudders a little, both a remainder of his emotions and a new chill from Héctor's words. Just...a corpse. Any old corpse, unaware and -- and rotting, right, he used to rot. In his shoes, his toes curl.]

Yeah, right. That'll fucking always be Mama, dumbass. Where, uh... Where do you...go?

[There's a laugh first. Then his eyes go down to the floor, hand rubbing at his neck.]

I, uh... I don't know. [He shakes his head.] I had beliefs before and I've talked to enough ghosts by now too that I don't really think there's nothing? But I've never seen anything or been anywhere. Not that I can remember anyway.

Kind of wonder sometimes if, maybe, since I managed to stick around in this sense that I've completely ruined any chance of anything else... [He's quiet, thinking of all too many painful thoughts. He shakes himself out, trying to pull back that cheer.] But hey, who knows! Either way, I've still got now. Makes it more like life, to enjoy it while it lasts.

[Wow, none of this is comforting. Thank you, Héctor.]

Right... Except you only get half the time and way fewer benefits. Hey, remember how like literally one fucking minute ago you told me not to bottle shit up because it'll save time feeling fucking awful about it? Thought you might've been onto something there.

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suicide attempt mention

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